I had a few inklings today that perhaps my heightened sense of self awareness is giving away to a slow return of yesteryears. What I mean is that I am beginning to show a few trends that was used to before.
I met one of my old friends today – acquaintance would be a more appropriate term. It was a rather awkward meeting – it seemed that he had something at the back of his mind, and the conversation was totally forced (from my side). I couldn’t wait to get out. While on the bus ride back, I was silently contemplating everything. Then in the evening, I realized that my advisor was never going to reply to Prof Thomas about allowing to take the summer class on Material Science. It seems like he is determined not have anything to do with me during this time – he hasn’t responded to a single one of my own emails, not to mention the two emails from my father and all these emails from the office of continuing education. Now, he is by no means an irrational person – he does listen to you and is always considerate of your point of view. I honestly don’t understand what he is thinking now – and can’t explain his silence.
Of course he is disappointed – but my new found insights tell me that if I can get over the facts of my own last summer, he should be able to do it as well. I hope he won’t keep this in his mind – otherwise, we are going to have a completely different relationship once I get back. And it is always going to be tough especially if he doesn’t trust me completely or if continues to blame me.
He does blame me for not having gotten more work done. In my defense, I was sick – mentally of course. I could not have worked even if I wanted to. But then, there is no point trying to convince anyone now. In my experience, only somehow who has experience a mental illness first hand can understand someone else who is going through the same situation.